Last week I opened my house, as I do on Wednesdays, for women who may need a moment to breathe. I have heard it said that you end up providing what you need most. There have been seasons when I could've used a welcoming home with a sweet treat and a moment to journal, read, chat about something I was walking through to see if I was the only one, or to simply rest.

There are a few things I had to come to grips with as I prepared my home, my heart, and the pies that may have been gifts disguised as learning experiences. As I was picking up stray shoes and notebooks, I started becoming irritated with those who had been asked to help prepare. I had asked them to get all of their things out of the main three rooms so we could host a pocket of peace and not a frat-tastic, stadium seating, Super Bowl party. So it is fitting that when I was finding so many items that were not removed that I would be irritated, but I have begun to ask what is under the most accessible layer of my responses in order to understand my behavior and the cycles I get stuck in. 

So I did the PARA modality that I have been certified in on myself and paused to take a big breath with my hand on my heart so that I could answer with my body and mind and not simply keep it cerebral and fall into the same thought divots my inner critic has dug deep over the years. Then I avoided prettying up how I was feeling and accepted that I was frustrated that I was left with far more work than I had anticipated to prep the home for whomever might take me up on my cozy house and apple pie offer. So why did that bug me so much? Because I had been vulnerable enough to ask for help and they had agreed, but then it was left unfinished. Why is this important to me?... I want my house to be a pocket of peace that others can come and be comfortable, cozy, and cared for in and not be distracted or drained by the mess swirling around. If I allow myself space and time to remember what is important I will drop the shoes and school supplies and put first things first. 

I wanted a delicious treat that would lure in the weary and leave them with a smile on their face and a yum in their tum. So I began to peel the apples. I make my older sister's best friend's apple crumb pie recipe for thanksgiving every year and as I turned the apple and watched the sweet ribbon of apple skin peel off I began thinking about how it is much harder to peel and chop up 8 or 9 apples without the parade on! This made me smile because the girls and I watch the entire Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade together each year. After I finish a whole complete ribbon off of one apple the girls would run over to divvy up that skin so everybody got some. Then I started laughing remembering the time that the girls gave the dog apple skins too to include her in the fun and I woke up to dog diarrhea in every room. Did you know dogs cannot have too much apple skin because it will cause diarrhea? You're welcome.

As I peeled and took a little walk down the pleasant memory lane of life, I realized something. We live here. We have lived here for almost 15 years now and though my heart is to bring weary women a sweet slice of heaven in a cozy home filled with delights, I cannot pretend that five people don't live here. It is important to me to provide a place to recover from the tandem crazy that is life, but I cannot pretend that part of my tandem crazy doesn't live under this roof. Perhaps the greater gift would be tidying up and making two apple pies and letting them see that we are a real house with real people who pick up their stuff sometimes, but more often not. And this is okay and this is normal and this does not mean that I have failed as a parent or as a keeper of the home.

I think that I specifically have spent a lot of time, effort, and energy over the years trying to present myself as handling life better than I actually am. This isn't a cut on myself. I love my family fiercely, delight in providing a welcoming home, and have started three businesses in my lifetime. I am not lazy. But as I age (gracefully or not), it’s become clear that the greatest gift I can give is being myself. Not because I am a gift to mankind, but because being myself without pretense frees me up to be fully present to the people I am with. If I do not have to put on any airs to be eligible for a seat at the table then everyone around the table gets to take a deep breath and be themselves as well. 

So it is important to me to provide a pocket of peace for weary travelers through life and my assumption was that this would be through a tidy home. But the whole point is that we are walking around cluttered in our lives and could use a soft place to land. If our house was as pristine as I had planned, perhaps someone that came in frazzled would feel that they are not eligible for the party and need to put on a pretense to join in the fun, thus ruining the vibe of the “come-as-you-are” Wednesday hang. If I want women to feel safe and open up about the challenge that is walking through life, then maybe it would be most helpful to say “I know girl, me too” with my house as well as my heart.